Tara

bad tara

2003-03-29T00:18:28Z

"don't it always seem to go"

it's been longer than ever since i've written in here. sorry. i've been busy. and i've been kind of sick and i tried to overcome it with my own mental strength but i had an epiphany today. i can't. and so i'm throwing in the towel and going to try to get better, before everyone else catches on and gets sick of me.

lotsa stuff has happened. i'm back in the ole USofA. i thought i could write to you all the time once i got back here, what with the ethernet in our rooms and all. naturally, i would get the one room that it doesn't work in (and i still have to pay a $80 fee for it? what is THAT about?) so, my entries shall be sporadic at best, and at worst, well...they won't be, i suppose.

anyway, i'm back. my fears about my friends alienating me upon my return from england have been alleviated. i still have friends. granted, most of them are male and fart and yell loudly at the tv. you take what you can get these days.

don't know if you remember my consternation in previous entries over a certain gentleman that i had finally gotten the courage to admit my feelings about, and was dumped by? yeah, so we're back at it again. i'm pleasantly surprised, i must say. it was totally initiated by him this time. and he's doing good, aside from the fact that tonight i'll probably be a distant second to March Madness and The Guys. He's been good. crazy 'bout him in a stupid way. sometimes i think that i'm afraid, at the moment, to let go and be independent because i'm afraid he'll leave again. hm.

Joyce Johnson, in her book Minor Characters, writes that men have this thing that they protect viciously called Themselves. How true. just thinking.

Now, i'm through. I'm working hard on my thesis. (The Truth: I'm hardly working on it. But it does consume a good deal of my thought life, since I know it's due. Thinking, "I should really work on that" is hardly productive!)Sounds like a lot of work for someone who was "through" mere sentences ago. Truth is, mentally, I'm through. I'm ready to run away and hide, that's how i feel right now.

and it's a friday night. i just got back from a job interview in winston-salem. a 100% commission, no benefits job. sign me up. :) or...call chicago again. i might be back there. kinda hurts that my boy is ENCOURAGING me to go to chicago. "Please, honey, leave me. get as far away as you can. won't that be great??" eh, i'm being irrational again. jotah, you can't let anyone know what a horrible beast i am. we have to keep my secret safe.

i'm no good for anyone at this moment. gonna go hide in a nest of covers...

merry christmas to all, and to all....eh....screw it.

t

it's been a long time...

2003-01-13T14:26:45Z

hello there, fellow faithful friend. i'm sure you've been wondering where i've been, and why i haven't been on here.

call it laziness. i haven't had time to update this, and i'm sorry. but...as soon as i can get the internet properly workign in my dorm room, i'm sure that this will all work itself out. call me optimistic. i do miss your face...

but, for now, i'm skipping spanish and trying to hide from la senorita. ya dig?

catch ya lata....
t

tarasjourney @ 2002-12-13T01:37:00

2002-12-13T00:39:54Z

I am sorry, tara is not here right now. she is currently traveling in europe, and it takes her daily food allowance to pay for one moment of internet. leave a message after the beep, and she will be with you when she enters the land of the free and the home of the brave again.
beeeep....

talk about timing...

2002-12-06T17:29:08Z

sorry again that it's been awhile. here i thought this would be a great idea to record all of my adventures. i didn't take into account the fact that i'm lazy. and now...
here i am. i've packed up my suitcase so now i'm down to the backpack full of clothes that will be my home for the next two weeks. i have my eurail pass. i have my passport. i'm ready to go...but why is it so sad leaving?

this has been quite a time here. i've been up and down and all around. and now, here i am, emerging.

i need a time slowing machine.

everyone here has been beautiful to me in my departure. on tuesday, i went out with CU. we went bowling and for pizza and they gave me a framed picture of us and a card.
thursday, after class, annabelle had people over to give me a goodbye party. we sat in the restaurant and sipped our tea and annabelle gave me a card that she had made for me. we had a lemon cake with "goodbye tara" painted on the outside. Bernie gave me a little bag with a keychain inside. i wanted to cry. people are so good to me.

thursday night, i went to imane's for our last supper, but this really doesn't FEEL like goodbye. all i have for this week is laundry and goodbyes. we sat there, eating tajin. we did the same thing we always do - talk. we can talk and talk and talk and talk...i think there's something sacred in the fellowship of women, something intangible. when we left she gave me her teapot from morocco - silver, slightly tarnished. but beautiful. we agreed not to say goodbye, gave each other kisses on the cheek, and left. "see you later" we said. "TTFN Sozie". ]

i wrote notecards to all of my teachers and the people who matter a lot to me. when i dropped the one off for chris, he said, "oh, what about a kiss" and planted one on my cheek. if he wasn't so sean-connery-old, i wouldn't feel like such a bad person when i look at him.

okay, so now i have to approach the subject of this e-mail, the subject that i'm so insanely giddy about. his name...is blue eyes. (really it's dave, but you understand). and how last night we went to the union with emma's friends, because it was free. and then i went back and prepared for some T.S. Eliot-ing when i got a text. from dave.
BLUE EYES!
now...think through the history of this sordid non-love affair. first there was the initial sighting in the union. then, the meeting on the bus when i was with jessica. then...the unfortunate attending of the lecture where my friend shamelessly procured his number. and a week later, once my bollucks had totally developed, the texting of dave. the sighting in the club last week where he brought up my unanswered text and now last night...a text from dave. asking me if i would "fancy coming around?" would i fancy coming around. hmm...had to think long about that one. i mean, i COULD sit in the IT centre, glued to the screen, IMing people having fun in the blizzard back at school.
or i could develop some bollucks. twenty minutes later, my flatmates and i were walking up to his flat.

i had misjudged him, i must say. i thought he was all cocky and too cool with an attitude and all. but i've never met a nicer guy. they said they were heartbroken that i'm leaving on monday (yeah, me too). it just got very awkward - dave's mates talking him up, then asking me questions, acting very interested in my life. i felt like bridget jones trying to introduce people with interesting facts. "hannah here is from york, too. why don't you talk to them about that, hannah?" at one point i even went so low as to mention the great toy (a spinner) from the rice krispies box on their counter. twice. we talked about america and politics and wow...i was spinning when i left there. i was doing the "tara's excited about life" squeal. so shameless. garth brooks would be proud.

so i've found my prince. granted, he's probably not a knight in shining armor. once we started discussing things like, say, morality, or his sex life, or anything intelligent, things would probably fall apart. maybe i should hope that it stays in this nice little "get-to-know-ya" stage?
maybe not. :)

so i leave monday. italy. switzerland. germany. france. spain. then home...
miles to go before i sleep.

t

hee hee...

2002-11-21T23:31:46Z

hellloooo
i haven't written in awhile and for that i apologize. it's been a week. i spent saturday through monday in brussels and amsterdam, and i spent tuesday sleeping. i was supposed to finish all of my essays this week in order to turn them in and get my grades early.
oops.
guess that's not gonna happen.

first off, quickie update on brussels and amsterdam: the people i was with complained the entire time. i almost sold them for train fare back to london...but then they calmed down. they were so ugly american. the british girl was the worst ugly american. everything had to be their way. it was their world.
i followed, sheepishly.
but brussels was incredible and amsterdam was beautiful.
i'll have to tell the story of the stranger we let sleep in our hotel room later, and the night we spent in the airport.

i'm gonna explore the WORLD, baby. my parents come in 10 hours from now. we're going all over england. they're buying me a Eurail pass for christmas - Five countries in 11 days. i'm gonna cry!!!! :)

i'm being sappy today. i think i must be pregnant, i'm extra emotional.
last night, i finally accepted salim's invitation to eat at his flat an international dinner. I got to meet the super-cool italians last night - erica, elizabeta, elizabeta, and fabio. and the spanish kids. and the french guy. it was so good.
i saw fabio today and he gave me the double-cheek-kiss. i smelled italian cologne. i think we're going to be married. we'll have millions of italian babies, and they'll be tall and dark like him. and they'll have his giggle. it's such a child-like giggle that i can't see him as a real adult my age.
ah....tara.
i think it's time that i head home. i ran into blue eyes at legends last night. well...sophie introduced us.
i tried to play dumb. "so, you go to UCN?" i asked.
he said, "hey, i KNOW you..."
i blushed. "uh...maybe we met earlier the year?"
"you text'd me!" he said. (please refer to the entry where i profess that i've developed bullocks. yes, i text'd him. shamefully).
"uh...nooo...did i text you? hmm...oh yeah. i did. i wanted to apologize for my flatmates being so harrassing to you. it wasn't anything i ever wanted them to do....i don't chase boys..."

tara digs a hole in the night club floor.
tara falls into that hole.
tara continues dancing down there. except they're playing bad techno music that she can't really dance to.

hmm....
so i tried to revive the situation with some tara wit. "boy, it sure is dead in here. i think i need to call my friends and get them all to come. what this place really needs is more people"
it was a joke. there were so many people that we all moved like a smashed congo line, spooning as we stood. blue eyes didn't get the joke.
strike three.

time to grab another Archer's.

the silver lining is that i have some closure on the issue. i mean, he did remember me very well. and brought up the text message. but he also didn't dance with me. and i think i'm okay with that - probably better that he didn't. i would've made a fool out of myself with my knocking knees.

holding out for something better, baby.

and i have a slight idea of something better on the horizon.
no further comments.

now..it's time to pack for a weekend in london with the 'rents. whoo hoo!! the morning won't come soon enough. :)

have a lovely weekend.
i'm outtie...

mindless dribble...

2002-11-13T01:24:35Z

so today i decided to stop wallowing in self-pity and put on a happy face, which was hard when i was awakened 5 times between 8 and 8:30 by my alarm. i caught myself mumbling to...uh...myself as i emerged from my burrito of covers. then i threw on some clothes and out the door and through the rain to class.

is it sick to think that your professor is attractive in a sean connery type of way? but then, he was elaborating on lolita in class. that took him from sean to humbert humbert, lolita's dirty old man, in a flash. i always get intimidated when he catches my eye in class and holds it. i look down and pretend to be feverishly taking notes.

the highlight of my day was collapsing after my seminar to the sound of rain, and awakening two hours later to sunshine and blue skies. i was happy. then i walked to the kitchen and found my flatmate crying at the table. even worse, i didn't realize she was crying at first. i was babbling to her about the rain and the sunshine and my mumbling to burritos and i wasn't getting a response. Her grandmother has a cancerous brain tumor. i was sad.

on a sidenote, this computer room is a fascinating place to watch people. tables upon tables of computers with those swirling chairs that make farting noises when you lower and raise them. people are very emotional as they're interacting with this blue screen. the boy across from me, asian, just dropped his head completely back so all i saw was his neck for a full minute. when he looked up, his eyes were watery behind his glasses. he's making love to the screen, sweet nothings and all that jazz. now he's frustrated. i want to give him a hug because now he's sad again.
there's a german bird next to me, twirling her hair. her eyes are covered in coal-black makeup.

and now, it's getting to the point where if i don't go to bed, i'll end up talking to my covers again.
i think the problem is the insomnia i'm developing.
cheers anyway...me

express yourself...

2002-11-11T02:55:51Z

so the rage has subsided, thankfully. it was a blinding, incredible-hulk-shirt-ripping rage, and now it's gone.
and i'm meek as a lamb.
and i've been working my tail off - a 2,000 words on Vonnegut, and a 4,000 word creative writing portfolio.
i think the rage has transformed itself into a missing-home type of apathy.
i miss my friends, my family, my life. i miss having legs to go places on and clothes that keep me warm.

but i can't wish this time away.

feel the rage...

2002-11-08T23:17:24Z

tara doesn't get mad much.
on the contrary, i LIKE that i like people. i like that i try to find the good in people.
so it pisses me off when i realize there are certain people that i have a very shallow level of tolerance for.
up to now, there have only been two, and we've been able to find common ground to play on.
but i've met my match.
tonight, i blew up. he started jumping up and down on me and a seedy little smile on wormlike lips. and i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't take any more of his "but you're a capricorn! i know you automatically because i know all capricorns and i know everything and why aren't you acting like your sign and i'm going to sneak pictures of you with my camera when you're not looking and i'm sitting in your kitchen".
so, you know, that's what i'm feeling right now. rage.
and i think he's going to get al-quaeda after me. so, if i don't update anymore...you'll know why. because my scary muslim friend decided to finally go ape on me because i couldn't take his snide attitude anymore.

my goal for the weekend is to learn to be nicer.
tara does not play nice with others..

bop-se-kaisico

2002-11-06T19:07:24Z

that's from a mikey smith poem. mikey smith is a jamaican poet who was stoned to death at a political protest. i like how musical it is. so it goes.
hellooooooo

i'm in good spirits at the moment. yesterday i went on a beautiful one-day excursion to brighton beach. i went to the train station after my sleepless night and said, "here are my five destinations. where can i go for cheap?" and brighton it was. brighton is a seaside village. i rode on the train for three hours. sophie called me when i was halfway there - said she was sick and needed someone to take her to the doctor. thankfully, one of my other flatmates was there, because i was on a "runaway train never coming back..."

when I arrived in brighton, the station had a cathedral ceiling, just like london's victoria station. i followed the signs around the corner and that's when i saw it - the ocean!
i meandered down there, stopping in at different shops to see what i could see. another revolution i'm starting in britain: second-hand clothing stores. oh, they have them. but they sell the shirts for £15 apiece, or more. bowling shirts are £30. i laughed and walked out.

i walked along the colonial houses and grand hotels and then there it was - the water. the beach was covered in pebbles. when i smelled the salt i almost cried. i miss home!

i sat on the beach for awhile, then washed my feet in the water. at brighton they have two piers. the one to the right of me is no longer in use - the dock to it is blocked. at one time it was grand and elegant, multi-layered with domed ceilings, arches, and columns. now, the wood has rotted off and only the frame remains. it is a lace palace on the water.
to the other side is the carnival pier, with antique carousels and roller coasters.
the beach is lined by colonial houses. england's beach is elegant. it was beautiful.
after wandering around for awhile, i had to head back. i grabbed a cheese and tomato baguette and somehow found the station.
at the end of the day, i realized it had been twelve hours since i had spoken.
it was beautiful.

a quickie

2002-11-04T15:34:43Z

quick update: i spent this past weekend shamelessly making friends at the Christian Union retreat and then almost winning a talent competition with my lip-synching chin to Aretha Franklin's "RESPECT". whoo hoo!
crazy stuff.
also, last week i got up the bollocks to text blue eyes.
nerdville, population: 1.
:)

out with the old, on with the new...

2002-11-01T17:42:56Z

halloween was supposed to be eventful, but was sadly eventless. more stories on that later, but now i'm heading out for the weekend. i'm joining CU for a weekend retreat somewhere for something. i'm clueless really. it starts getting dark at 4:30 here and by 5, it feels like 9pm in the States. for the first time in my life, i'm enjoying cold weather. this air slaps you in the face when you walk outside - it's lovely. it feels like fall with crisp apples and bonfires and leafpiles and football. (homecoming at home is this weekend...sniff, sniff. i'm missing out on getting covered in syrup and shaving cream. maybe i'll just do it here, just for the heck of it. chase myself around with shaving cream, that is...)
i leave too soon for my trip, so i must be off...ta-ra! (that's "Goodbye" over here. and it's my name with a hyphen in it. i'm so famous). :)

happy

2002-10-29T17:55:17Z

i got a care package today with lucky charms and kraft macaroni & cheese.
i think i'm the happiest person alive.
doesn't take much. :)

shallow thoughts

2002-10-29T12:46:53Z

no updates for awhile, sorry about that. i only seem to be inspired to write when i'm feeling some extreme emotion. and so here i am, enveloped in warm fuzzies.

had a wake-up call last week. went to legends again - the music was loud and i was wrapped in smoke. i'd just close my eyes and breathe it all in - the people, the blaring, the sweat and smoke...it was beautiful. and i got a little caught up in the moment and ended up with a British boy's tongue diving towards my poor, innocent mouth. (okay, so i'm not as innocent as i profess). but it gave me a wake up call.

i realized that i'm not being the person i want to be while i'm here - that this isn't me. instead of growing in my time over here, i felt myself floating. I'll get credit anyway for being in the pool, but why not work at it while i'm in here? learn a few things, like how to swim. well.

i know at the end of my time here, everyone will say, "how cool, you went to england, how was that?" and i'll have some pat little answer. i could've probably given the answer before i got here because i was so determined it is how i want to be.

but that's not good enough anymore.
i'm here. i have the opportunity. it's time for me to jump in...

so new thoughts are all around me. i've decided that the things that i claim are so important to me have to stay important to me, regardless of my environment. consistency is key.

so here i am, in england, wondering about the power that is given through naming, fighting hard to keep my feminist self checked by my Christian self (the two don't co-exist very well, with the Biblical principles of submission...) and trying to find a balance between these theories that are making my mind explode.
it's beautiful.

my problem now is ghosts - i've discovered on my computer old transcripts of conversations i've had. relationships coming and going, and it's killing me. it's like a thousand ghosts screaming in my ears. i remember typing those words, being that girl, feeling those things.
it sucks.
it erases the time between "then" and "now" and the things said to ruin our perfect world.
perhaps a merciful virus will come through, exorcising these memories. i know i'm not strong enough to take the wooden stake to my compaq presario.

you don't want to read this

2002-10-24T21:14:31Z

I HAVE A PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, i have left the land of the amish. I, Tara, now have a PHONE. people can actually CALL me.

"i got a numbah, how you like them apples?" - GoodWill Hunting

"if anyone wants to make a call, i've got a phone." - Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion

Many great people of the world have phones. Unfortunately for me, UCN does not PROVIDE phone lines in rooms. No. this is a cellular age. but NOW...

"Welcome to the 20th century, Mister Banks!" - Father of the Bride

enough gayness...gotta go wait for the phone calls to come POURING in. :)

technology is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

mortified

2002-10-22T15:32:20Z

this is going to be quite juvenile, but bear with me.
i'm resorting to cliches. i'm THAT embarrassed.

i'm waiting for the floor to swallow me alive.

now, i am not easily embarrassed. i will often dance like an idiot, not caring who is around. I'll do the dumbest thing imaginable. i trip and fall all the time, and i find it more amusing than embarrassing. after all, it's self-inflicted. but this...this was not something i did myself. i suppose it's something i deserved.

i don't think i've mentioned beautiful blue-eyes on here yet. he's beautiful. i noticed him at the Venue one night, and a couple other times since then. we had an insignificant chat on the bus once, that i became so flabbergasted during, that i just stopped talking to him altogether. so when i found out that he was in sophie's lectures, i did the unthinkable. i did the pathetic. i suppose, in some perverse way, i deserve what i had coming to me...

i don't know quite what i was hoping to attain by attending the lecture. maybe just a glimpse or something. i tried to tell myself that the law structures lecture was sure to be fascinating. i had nothing better to do, after all. i could sit in the lecture and read...but nooo....fate had to fashion things differently. and before long, half the lecture hall was aware of who i was there to see as sophie stole snippets of information from her friends. THEN...i see the young girl who had been sitting with emma in the kitchen earlier that afternoon approach him. she started talking to him.

i was praying that she knew him casually somehow, that she was just asking him for the notes from the last lecture, or even what he was doing later that night. i hoped against hope that she wasn't doing the unthinkable.
she was.
she walked straight over to me, and dropped the slip of paper that held his name and number in front of me. i stared, unbelieving this crazy act. she said, "his name's dave. you should call him". i was dumbstruck. it was the kiss of judas. i was crucified.

this happened mere moments ago. after the kiss of death, i walked out of the lecture.
i have NEVER had success by being a very forward girl. i've been burned every time. i lose confidence that he can actually have any real interest in me, i become certain it's all something i've conjured.

perhaps i should've stayed. i could've kept an eye on my well-meaning but destructive flatmates.
play it cool, t. pretend it didn't happen...ah, crap.

hmm....

2002-10-21T16:04:30Z

nabokov. na-bo-kov...
this bizarre novel is enthralling and perverse. for class, i am reading lolita. i had principles against reading a book that glorifies pedophiles. but i wanted to see what i was railing against.
i find the writing strangely beautiful. perhaps because i'm forcing a speed-read of it (i have 24 hours to engage myself with all 307 pages) i feel trapped in it, like something beautiful that i'm not disciplined enough to reject. but i am so incredibly revolted by the pages outlining the child's feminine beauty...and nauseated by the insane lust of this man.

i am unable to eat for the turning of my stomach. i forced myself to surface for awhile to come here, to think of other things besides perverts eloquently professing their love for small children. i think the scariest part is that i almost find myself justifying it for him, it's building like some kind of sick sexual climax. wow.

sorry....i realized the need for a journal entry, and this is the first thing i've felt this strongly for awhile.

time to start taking my medicine again. :)

wow...so do or don't read nabokov. i can't give you an objective opinion about it at the moment. i'm too caught up in it.

smokecovered

2002-10-15T02:46:28Z

just spent the night at Time & Envy (sounds like a weird Watch company). It's this double-club thing we can get a ride to and from, and admission to for £4.
This is part of my continual answer on British guys, in a lumpingtogether stereotyping kind of way. They don't seem to be concerned with image the same way American guys are. You can tell by the way they dance. They unashamedly belt out "I will Survive". They dance. And it's actually quite good and involves no raping. (Biggest gripe about the clubs i've been to in the states: The guys get up behind you, and try to reveal their reproductive capabilities. I'm never impressed, and am usually grossed out by realizing that i'm feeling "something" rubbing against my butt. So I stop dancing.)
nuff said.
i'm still a neuter. did i tell you that yet? how i no longer seem to have any sort of sexual drive? it's not that i'm not seeing attractive men around here. they're attractive. but i feel like this blob walking around campus. none of them have talked to me - who'd want to talk to a blob?
Theado told me a story about one of his friends whose engagement was broken-off, and how he was enjoying his "bitch-less life". I've been told to enjoy my "Son-of-a-bitchless life".

the Predator as my flatmate is making me more and more insane. i've heard the same stories five or six times now. when i try to tell her that MAYBE she shouldn't obsess about the guy she met four days ago, and who has told her twice that he just wants to be friends...she gives ME her TM Predator look. i nearly lost a meaty limb.

nothing new. but it's almost 4am, and i left my flat at 2 to "go and print something out". they're gonna find me out someday.

for now, i'm out. bitchless and sexless. :) peace

londoning

2002-10-14T14:54:48Z

hard to believe, but i spent the weekend with jessica in london!! yes, trafalgar square, big ben, the houses of parliament...(in class today, we discussed the inadequacy of language to express reality. It's all very biased. For example, the English language has maybe four words to describe snow. There is a South American tribe that has 54. Each language is very limited, then, with what it can express...) on that note, this experience was indescribable. The buildings were massive, and very old. I felt like I was stepping outside of anything I had ever experienced.
We played tourists (cameras and all) and went on a tourbus for half of Saturday, and half of Sunday. (it was hop on, hop off, so it was better than us trying to navigate by ourselves.) My favorite part was probably the Bed and Breakfast that we stayed in. It was listed as a hostel, so we got it for fairly cheap. I felt like I was a guest in a family's house.

I'm sorry I've been so distant, I can't even describe the thoughts that run through my head. My patriotism is being tested. My identity to the people around me is directly tied into the political workings of my country. And I am almost clueless as to what my country is doing. It's like someone is dressing me in my clothes for the day, and I have no idea what I'm wearing.
I sat at Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park and listened to speakers rant about the horrors of America, about the stupidity of George Bush. Some things they were saying were outright wrong. But some were right, and they were horrible.
I listened to my roommate's paper on what an American is. It's this horrible hybrid of glamorous movie stars, and slavebeaters. And she borrowed my picture to show her class.
I feel like people are the same the world over. There are cultural differences, but there are also basic things that are the same. If you apply the structuralist view of the world, you can see that. But people choose not to. They pigeonhole and force me to wear these clothes. And they say, "I hate Muslims. I love money and black gold". But there's so much that America does that I love fiercely.

I don't know what to do with myself here. Perhaps I should actually focus on entertaining my American guest, yeah? :)

be back with you soon...

too many thoughts for me. I'm turning into a bore.
:)

blah

2002-10-08T19:58:08Z

i've read 500 pages in the past 24 hours. i read through an entire book of tony harrison's poetry, annie john, and heart of darkness. for class, not pleasure, mind you.
all depressing, so i want to wallow for awhile.
on top of that, i've been sick. i want to sleep all the time. i don't want to run, or go outside where it's cold. i want to sit in the mess of my room and eventually drop off to sleep. i wake up to eat something, which i won't remember that i ate the next time i wake up, so that i'll consume a maximum number of calories, with the minimum amount of calorie burnage.
hopefully, this too shall pass...

do you ever feel like a neuter? like you are this sexless beast, kind of roaming about. i feel sexless right now. apathetic about my appearance, and just how many cookies i consume. i feel no need to try to impress these men here, the horny alcoholics who seem so loveless. not that the ones home are much better....

so much for this funk...

time to go play nice with others. and to finally shower....

doing better

2002-10-06T10:43:06Z

foam...so much FOAM.
my first foam party last night here on campus. it was great!!! i went with a coolcat named emma. she's my roommate. she's, officially, the first black person i've known with a british accent. she wears an old man's golfer's cap, so she looks a bit like 1978. so groovy.

i'm doing much better forgetting that old boy. so, thanks for your encouragement, baltimorerain. :) i'm in my gethappy pants now. (actually, my getVERYhappy pants. i'm all drugged up because i'm sick as a dawg.)

not much else to report at the moment, and my brain is mush anyway.
ciao!

so much for that...

2002-10-05T11:39:18Z

know how they say "the same pants you get mad in, you can get happy in?"
after a big kick-in-the-stomach moment, when i get changed at the end of the day, i'm always amazed that i didn't see this coming when i got dressed earlier. when i put on those clothes, i was happy and optimistic. i took them off with a heavy heart.

i'm being pathetic.

and i don't care.

so, shade casually mentions to me last night, "get this!! i called another relationship coming!!!" and i asked who. i had a knot in my stomach - i knew who. and i knew this meant he was moving on. i knew this day was coming a long time ago when he told me, "i just can't do this long distance thing. when you get back in january, we'll start things up again". i knew that by january he'd be gone.

the self-flagellation began.
WHY am i so stupid?? WHY do i care so much about this goofy, dumb KID? and why, after all this time, can i still not get RID of him??

because he hadn't moved on.
so much for that.

night robs the ability to be logical. i was crying on my bed last night. but i knew the truth, i know the truth.
it's not my fault.
things weren't equal. i cared more than he did. and if you have that much trouble making a decision about a relationship, it means that you don't want it. i knew he didn't want it, but i had a hard time believing i could be that happy with someone again.
i won't be that happy with someone again. i will be happier. i will meet someone who will appreciate me, and will love me deeply.

just because i'm the only one of my friends to graduate still single doesn't mean it's this curse i'm destined to.
i'm not an old maid at 21.

i know the truth. sometimes, it's just nicer to wallow awhile.

tonight is a foam party on campus. i have NO idea what all that entails, but it should be interesting.

last night, i went to the international party. there were probably close to 100 international students there. i met some wonderful people, and imane and i started the dancing on the dance floor (go figure).

when i was going into the water closet (sorry, couldn't resist), i ran into george. (stallion? remember?) he seemed very surprised to see me, and brought in a bunch of his friends to meet all of us. he grabbed my hand and wrote his number on it. so it goes. i think he was also interested in imane. (everyone is interested in imane. must i always pick gorgeous best friends that men flock to??) :)

i also met some americans. they made me not want to BE american. don, from PA, complains about everything. the girls were sweet, but didn't seem to care much for the culture.

i appreciate that all of my flatmates are british, that my closest friend here is moroccan.

i'm determined not to be "that american girl". just me.
vonnegut: so it goes

disturbed

2002-10-03T23:34:09Z

riiiiiight. so i was at what they call a Car Wash (a retro dance club) at the Venue (the all night, every night student party place where the school makes up on at least £3,000 tuition for each student in alcohol purchases alone.)

i was there last night (see spanish stallion story), and i had a really fun time! i was crazy fun!

tonight, it didn't work.

perhaps it was the sinking feeling i was getting from the bible study before i went.
or perhaps it is just me getting old.
or perhaps it was the Predator on the prowl again. she stares them down hard. it always looks like she's pissed or something. when she tried to call one over to her tonight, he shook his head and took another swig of his beer. poor girl. i want to sit her down and shake her.

i was looking all around me, and all i saw were tongues sliding in and out of mouths. guys were giving girls their goofy "i-wanna-f*@$" look (i'm convinced if they saw that look in a mirror, they'd stop it immediately). half of me wanted to vomit. the other half missed such tongue-sliding.

i couldn't concentrate, so here i am. i know i'm a horrible person for not wanting this incredible experience, but right now it's just lonely. i think people pick up on the fact that you're lonely, and they don't talk to you. no e-mails. no IMs. no contact with the people from home that i long for so badly right now.

sigh....shrug

as i was dancing tonight, i kept hearing a voice say, "i want something more for you. something better than this. don't choose this..." i know, i'm crazy for hearing voices.
for the moment, no more sunshine and happy smiles. being real, and this is a hard place to be. the weekend is coming, which is always harder.

i want something more for me, too

the real spanish stallion

2002-10-03T15:11:57Z

*****parental advisory is suggested on today's message******
alright, so i was rudely interrupted on my last journal entry before telling you all about the spanish stallion, as they like to call him. (i say "they", because i cannot tell you from experience, but apparently everyone else can.)
ON CAMPUS, they have a club, and last night was the kick-off party for freshers (i hate that word). So, we all went. I mistakenly thought it was going to be all freshmen there. EVERYONE was there. It was fun. I was getting a little TOO excited with the ghetto music they were playing. i kept shouting, "man...this is my JAM!!" :) Gangsta's Paradise, Up in Here, Hot in Here....everything old and new. It was good to be home. of course, as a shout out to my g-dubb crew, I wasn't serious at all in my dancing.

Anyway, there was a very attractive guy dancing very badly behind me up on stage, and he asked me to come up there a few times. finally, i relented. ("stage" isn't really a STAGE. it's an elevation 2 feet off the ground, that's all). so we start dancing, and I'm trying to ask his name, and i cannot understand a word he's saying. His flatmate comes over and yells in my ear (please, insert british accent here) - "HIS NAME IS GEORGE! HE'S MY FLATMATE FROM SPAIN, AND HE DOESN'T SPEAK MUCH ENGLISH, BUT BETWEEN YOU AND ME....7 INCHES."
i started laughing very hard, mostly from embarrassment.
"George" became very upset, and wanted to know what the flatmate had said to make me laugh. The flatmate said, "MATE, I TOLD HER YOUR COCK WAS BIG." then, this beautiful black girl (they all are here), grabs my arm and says (insert accent again), "HE'S SPANISH. TRUST ME, LOVE, THEY'RE HUNG LIKE HORSES AND VERY ROMANTIC. YOU'LL ENJOY THIS ONE." so, you know, i got that going for me...which is nice. :) (bill murray, caddyshack)

Needless to say, I never found out, NOR would've I wanted to. I'm staying in the Vclub a while longer, i think. We left about ten minutes after this pleasant little exchange.

and now, here i am. i cooked some tajin today and ate it with my hands, as a shout-out to my sozi imaaaaaane. and tonight i'm going to a Bible study. I'm hoping to find some christian fellowship here somewhere. It may be hard to find - i've been told that the new religion of England is alcohol. jolly.

(you know you're too easily influenced by your environment when you start thinking with an accent. i think in cockney.)

my friends have been asking me what the guys are like here. british boys are different. they have smaller frames and more hair gel. some are attractive, but i think my current aversion to them will help me stay focused. they're also not very outgoing. (either that, or they're just not attracted to me). either way, i haven't spoken to many. i think God may be working through my circumstances to keep me more focused. I think He knows what He's doing.

i miss my friends. i miss my family. I found out that Grandma Yoder was in a car accident - the top of her car was ripped off by an oncoming semi carrying a wide-load. she lost control and ran into a telephone pole. she's pretty beat up with cuts and bruises, but nothing's broken. i hate when bad things happen when i'm not there - it's like i'm not allowed to properly care.

these journal entries are too long, and no one will want to read them, but that's okay. they're for me. there aren't many people who i'd be brave enough to let know that i do this, so understand, if you're reading this, you're lucky. you're a privileged few (who i know won't blabber the contents around.) i guess i don't know how to be surface-y enough for the general population's consumption.
there goes my writing career. my children will starve.

spaniard stallion

2002-10-03T12:02:40Z

i am so far behind on this, i need to bring things up to speed.

when monday finally arrived, i was able to bring my concerns to the International Office. i was up late the night before, praying and asking God to give me favor when I arrived. Boy, did he.

Delia, the head honcho for the int'l office, saw me when she was pulling out, and told me to go immediately inside to sort things out. the office wasn't even open yet.
Karin, young and very sweet, helped me with everything. she was upset with my treatment when i arrived on friday, and asked, "for goodness sake, what did you SLEEP on???"
****NOTE: please insert a british accent for all of the speakers in my stories except me. they all have it, unless specified otherwise, and it just makes things funnier*****
she was appalled when i told her, and there was an angry phone call made to accomodations. "heads are going to roll!!" is what i was told.
consistently, as i was trying to get my life here together, obstacles arrived. i had to wait, and wait, and do without, and pay bus fares that were supposed to be free while waiting for the registrar's office to print my student card. i waited to create my class schedule, and even more to get approval for my classes.

finally, i was moved over to Park campus, much closer to my not-yet-real classes. I moved to the Margaret Bondfield building. I soon met my new flatmates - Sophie and Hannah and Heather. let me try to describe them for you, because i can. :) sophie is kind of tall and has medium length straight blond hair and blue eyes. i wanted to stop her last night - she was trying very hard to catch the eyes of guys around us, and it made her look like a predator or something.

hannah is the opposite - small build, long dark hair. she's the athletic-looking type who usually goes around in sweatpants and a t-shirt. heather has frizzy blond hair, (they all think i'm of latin descent. but they are much more tactful in their "what ARE you?"s). Last night, she wore a tiny leather halter top with fringe all down the front, and her belly hanging out. She wore light rinse jeans, with a black thong sticking out over the top. in the words of hannah, "how RUDE!" (she says that all the time. like when she got felt up by the security guy at the entrance who was "searching" her on her way back in.

dang

2002-10-03T11:53:40Z

sorry folks, i typed a beautifully long explanation of my time here. and the computer crashed. so my first entry will not be what it was intended to be - beautiful and full of detail. instead, it will just get me started.

i'm here, in england. for the first time i'm forced to realize what people think of americans, and that i represent to many people the sins of my government. i sat through a class yesterday where the teacher began to bash imperialistic america. this class was on the post-colonial literature. i felt too outnumbered to point out that it was the sins of her country that created this type of literature. we were colonized, not so much the colonizers.

i am at northampton, a larger town than gardner-webb, but a smaller town than any US big city. the people seem roughly the same here. there is a general consciousness that is different - i suppose my occasionally outgoingness is considered brash. i wonder if they all think i'm drunk.

when i first arrived here, they hadn't heard of me in the accomodations office. i wanted to cry. they finally placed me at the other campus, avenue. (our two campuses are Avenue and Park. Park is lively, sociable, and big. Avenue is small, and next to a park). I moved in, and resolved that i would do what it took to survive until i could sort things out when the offices opened on monday.

they had promised "cutlery, crockery, and bedding". they provided none when i arrived, so i had a sheet i had prepared for the hostel and some towels and sweatshirts for my bedding. i slept miserably all weekend.

i discovered i had a flatmate while walking back from the kitchen with a knife to un-cable-tie the zippers i had secured against the thieves of london. she is from morocco - her name is imane. she decided to be my friend, kitchen knife and all, and to take me to get things to be settled, but she recommended a nap first. i liked her instantly.

she cooked a moroccan meal for me that night, and we ate with our hands. i was exhausted from my sleepless flight, so the minutes seemed to creep.
saturday, when i finally awoke, she had already been running and said, "this is what i propose: we rent bikes, go swimming, play tennis, do you play golf? no? then we'll go to the park." i knew she was a little too healthy for my good.

the weekend was beautiful, and we became fast friends. we discussed life and politics and cultural differences. she taught me some french and arabic. i taught her india arie and dave matthews band. and it was good. she spoke to me of her father's 9 houses, and being an independent woman in an oppressive culture. the man she is in love with, ahziz, is traditional moroccan. she worries that if she is to marry him, he will try to make her traditional, too.

i discuss my boy with her, and while she tries to compare the two, i know we can't. she wants to show how our situations are similar. i know i'm just holding onto something that probably will not happen. i am determined to rid myself of him while i'm here. it's not like i have anything substantial to hold onto - just a gut instinct.
i was reading elisabeth elliott, and she was talking about how women are built to be receptors, and men to be the ones doing the searching. i'm resolved to stop trying to find, and instead to be content.
i'm in a beautiful place, with beautiful people. I've come to love rainy days, so the occasional rain here does not bother me. This is a time for me to study, to grow, to recreate myself.

you know how you meet someone, and you feel like you're looking in a mirror? that's how i am with imane. she calls me her sozi (sp?). in her culture, that's your counterpart from another country. we're both independent, but we love very deeply things that don't deserve that love.

here i am. and this is going to be my journey. i want to continue to grow, to push myself even when it hurts. this is going to be my time of me and God - when i begin to learn that He is all I need and all I have. my family, my friends, everyone is so far away. and this is where it all begins...